segunda-feira, 7 de março de 2011

So, I know I've been terribly absent, and I know I'm currently nn failing mode on my 365 project (again). I know all that, but although knowing it I feel that the sorrow should definitely be bigger. Anyway, I just need to come up with some sort of excuse, when in the end all I got is a round zero to explain the plain facts about my absence in photography lately. My camera has been waiting for days on the desk, my film camera is beside it, with a brand new film to be loaded, and I haven't got much out of the house, despite going to school and coming back home again. My new apartment is still more half than empty, and if I don't get a job soon we might need to go back to our parents house again, since my boyfriend doesn't know if he's keeping his current job. School is alright, even though it could be better if I was a little more motivated.

So I'm feeling numb and unable to change anything. But I'm here to officially let go that I'm willing to try harder. By harder I mean actually try; try to get out more, try to get more inspired and finish the damn 365 project, which I still think I begin in the wrong year, try harder about other projects, try harder about school and try harder at getting a job. Well, I actually need to start trying.

For this I need to be a little time offline. I've been spending way too much time on a computer for so many years. Making the math, since I've spent about 7 hours per day on a computer since I was 11, that without counting the hours I've spent when I was even younger, that might as well mean I've spent about 3 years of my life facing a screen. It's way too much and it's shocking, and I feel like I need to do something about it. I've been currently forgetting about the things that I truly love to do, and I've been forgetting that there's a life out there for me, there's a life outside this screen. There's a life I truly need to start living.

So I need a pause. More than a pause on the project. I need a pause from this technological routine. I will be back soon enough, in the mean time, let's see if I can handle living apart from what I've grown attached: an illusion where exists worlds to achieve without having to fight hard for them. It's finally time that I wake up.

I love you all! <3

quinta-feira, 3 de março de 2011

I've been taking a lot of time to think about a possible career as a photographer. Truth being said, I love all forms of photography, and I've been quite fond of starting a business of my own. But as we all know it takes times, a lot of failed tries and a couple of successful ones to be 100% sure if its safe to go on or not. It's not only about loving what you do, but it is also about laying down all the positive and negative aspects about it and analyze them through its deeper end. And to speak the truth I don't feel brave enough to even dig into photography itself right now, which leaves me in the middle of a very late and unfinished 365, when I don't even find the right attitude and the motivation to finish it. Truth is, I don't feel that I'm letting out who I really am or what I am capable of doing, and I don't only mean it in a way of not being satisfied with some of the results of the project because that's only normal, but more for not willing to make the best out of it. And that means not putting myself in some of your shoes and try, try, try. Because I haven't been trying at all, and that's not who I am. When I begin something I'm always there, with who I am, with all I have, and that is what's not happening anymore. I'm not excited ever to be done with this, and that's not only regretful but also sad, because I truly was in the beginning, and I still think the project made me a better individual and a little better photographer. It also made me bump into amazing and inspirational individuals who have truly changed my view of life, and also made me find some new unexpected friends. I'm not quitting the project, even though this might look like a goodbye or a friendly way of announcing a long pause. I've a been doing a pause, for the sake of my own nausea about my recent work, but that doesn't mean that my 365 will be over, I will continue, and I'm still trying to make a complete comeback. But right now I need to be focused on new projects and on school, and I will be slowly coming back to post. I'm not motivated and I don't think my lack of effort deserves commotion from myself, and this is all it really is. A simple thought on my photography right now. This is truly what I wish I could do, but there's also other things, or I wouldn't be Madalena. There's simple things and though simple, there are also some other goals and other dreams. And although photography is the biggest part of it all this is the way it has to be right now. Now I guess this is, apart from the money I don't have, why I've been feeling like I don't truly deserves a mark II. And I'm just willing to change that.

Thank you all the amazing support. I couldn't make it without you. Apart from the usual thing to say, and the philosophy of it all, it truly is the truth.