lighter than air.

Home calmly awaits your arrival. Rain is pouring outside, and the hours are dying towards you. My heart is aching with the expectation, I miss you so. The house is quiet and still. The air is light. These are a few of the last days. I am starting to smile more. It is you who's coming. Finally.

 This was a more conceptual one I've uploaded on flickr. Incredible how a change of facial expression, pose and processing can ultimately change the whole mood of a photograph. You can see it HERE.

The year is almost over, and almost nothing has changed since my last post, written almost 9 months ago. Well, it's actually insane to say so, since the changes were big, but I meant changes in my attitude towards life, and towards what I believe and want to achieve. I still am attached to this screen with most of the strength I find, mainly because I receive incredible amounts of inspiration from here, from people from all over the place, the planet, whose work inspire me to go forward. Thing is, I'm not really going forward whatsoever. I feel I have the strength to do so, most times, but then I feel myself stuck, for the silliest reasons, or for the strongest ones too. Since March my life couldn't have changed any more than it did. I've put my studies on hold, once more. I've been working alongside my boyfriend. I've moved houses three times. I've been unemployed and on the merge of depression. I've been happy and completely devastated. I was brave and a coward. I've learned from my mistakes and I've teached a few lessons to others. I've made some amazing and beautiful friends, and I've lost others wich made my heart yearn, and who made me almost lose the faith in relationships whatsoever. I've moved across the oceans, the seas, the mountains, to to the other side of the world to search for better. For more stable bridges to cross the narrow seas of my doubts. I've learned a few lessons in here as well, and I am currently smashed with the fact that no matter what you go through, time heals it all. It's bittersweet in a way, to face such powerful feelings and a few months later, you look back and you encounter it all with a sad smile. Longing is never ending, at least I speak for me. This, among so many other old resolutions, was suppose to serve me well as a photography diary. It failed. I have so many new-year resolutions already, you would need a few minutes to read them all. I might share them on tumblr later on, as a way to boost me forward in achieving them, which I hardly believe. I'm more confident than I've ever been, but I'm also more fearful. I have so many things flowing from me, so many feelings, so many ideas and concepts I am so desperate to share and bring to life, but at the same time it's been growing on me the belief that I might not get where I want to be, even though alongside with that feeling I'm constantly thinking I have no choice but to get there nevertheless.

I am still saving for my dream camera. Hopefully I won't close this year without owning it. But I might. Even though I won't give it up. It seems the gods have been trying to prove me not worthy of it. It's devastatingly destructive to think so, but I only have to prove them wrong myself. I deserve this, and I will embrace it, and I will fulfill it.

This blog as it is will end as the year ends. I will probably keep it, but it won't be a sad loss. I barely have readers (I guess?) and this was a strong, bold and somewhat sad year in terms of photography. But I've learned through trial and error and through other's work so much, that I shall bring it all at full power in 2012. I have so many projects in mind. I will create another blog, mainly for photography, but only because photography is mainly my life. I will share my daily stories and achievements in there, and it will feel good. I will only start it once I have my dream camera.

It seems I'm waiting on that to fully begin my life. So wish me luck on achieving it.

Love, and a thankful embrace to everyone who has ever supported me, <3

Madalena

PS- And once I get the camera I will for sure continue and end my 365 project, at last. I won't quit.

So, I know I've been terribly absent, and I know I'm currently nn failing mode on my 365 project (again). I know all that, but although knowing it I feel that the sorrow should definitely be bigger. Anyway, I just need to come up with some sort of excuse, when in the end all I got is a round zero to explain the plain facts about my absence in photography lately. My camera has been waiting for days on the desk, my film camera is beside it, with a brand new film to be loaded, and I haven't got much out of the house, despite going to school and coming back home again. My new apartment is still more half than empty, and if I don't get a job soon we might need to go back to our parents house again, since my boyfriend doesn't know if he's keeping his current job. School is alright, even though it could be better if I was a little more motivated.

So I'm feeling numb and unable to change anything. But I'm here to officially let go that I'm willing to try harder. By harder I mean actually try; try to get out more, try to get more inspired and finish the damn 365 project, which I still think I begin in the wrong year, try harder about other projects, try harder about school and try harder at getting a job. Well, I actually need to start trying.

For this I need to be a little time offline. I've been spending way too much time on a computer for so many years. Making the math, since I've spent about 7 hours per day on a computer since I was 11, that without counting the hours I've spent when I was even younger, that might as well mean I've spent about 3 years of my life facing a screen. It's way too much and it's shocking, and I feel like I need to do something about it. I've been currently forgetting about the things that I truly love to do, and I've been forgetting that there's a life out there for me, there's a life outside this screen. There's a life I truly need to start living.

So I need a pause. More than a pause on the project. I need a pause from this technological routine. I will be back soon enough, in the mean time, let's see if I can handle living apart from what I've grown attached: an illusion where exists worlds to achieve without having to fight hard for them. It's finally time that I wake up.

I love you all! <3

I've been taking a lot of time to think about a possible career as a photographer. Truth being said, I love all forms of photography, and I've been quite fond of starting a business of my own. But as we all know it takes times, a lot of failed tries and a couple of successful ones to be 100% sure if its safe to go on or not. It's not only about loving what you do, but it is also about laying down all the positive and negative aspects about it and analyze them through its deeper end. And to speak the truth I don't feel brave enough to even dig into photography itself right now, which leaves me in the middle of a very late and unfinished 365, when I don't even find the right attitude and the motivation to finish it. Truth is, I don't feel that I'm letting out who I really am or what I am capable of doing, and I don't only mean it in a way of not being satisfied with some of the results of the project because that's only normal, but more for not willing to make the best out of it. And that means not putting myself in some of your shoes and try, try, try. Because I haven't been trying at all, and that's not who I am. When I begin something I'm always there, with who I am, with all I have, and that is what's not happening anymore. I'm not excited ever to be done with this, and that's not only regretful but also sad, because I truly was in the beginning, and I still think the project made me a better individual and a little better photographer. It also made me bump into amazing and inspirational individuals who have truly changed my view of life, and also made me find some new unexpected friends. I'm not quitting the project, even though this might look like a goodbye or a friendly way of announcing a long pause. I've a been doing a pause, for the sake of my own nausea about my recent work, but that doesn't mean that my 365 will be over, I will continue, and I'm still trying to make a complete comeback. But right now I need to be focused on new projects and on school, and I will be slowly coming back to post. I'm not motivated and I don't think my lack of effort deserves commotion from myself, and this is all it really is. A simple thought on my photography right now. This is truly what I wish I could do, but there's also other things, or I wouldn't be Madalena. There's simple things and though simple, there are also some other goals and other dreams. And although photography is the biggest part of it all this is the way it has to be right now. Now I guess this is, apart from the money I don't have, why I've been feeling like I don't truly deserves a mark II. And I'm just willing to change that.

Thank you all the amazing support. I couldn't make it without you. Apart from the usual thing to say, and the philosophy of it all, it truly is the truth.

Sorry it's been a while. I've been a little busy with my apartment and I'm still getting used to the new neighborhood which means sometimes I can't shoot every single day, but I hope I will get there. And it makes me feel stressed at all times, but I guess that's part of the project.

These are a few portraits I took of my sister Maria on the 136th day of the project. I guess most of people didn't actually understood my concept on that day, but I guess that's something that happens most times. People just see its own meaning in each photograph, and interpretations vary. Nevertheless my own concept, and the one I've tried to conceal was fire, a burning forest and one's impossibility of running from it. It does mean something to me, and to be able to have the help of my sister to get to it together means a lot as well. On the other hand it's something I'm thinking about revisiting in the future as a self portrait too. Here are a few more of that day.

This is the original of the one I picked for the 365:

And these are a different editing of the originals:

And from fire to snow:

Take care and have a wonderful weekend !

There are days when I feel totally depressed about what I could do, and what sometimes I just can't achieve. There are days when sadness occupies my whole heart, and I don't feel I can make it up to my own expectations anymore. Those days are like a devastating dark cloud that cleans all my happiness about the projects and things I normally feel I can surpass. Sometimes I truly hate my photography, other times it makes me smile. And although I know that's just the way it is, that does not mean my heart can light up in the dark just for knowledge. I just feel I can do much better, but then when I just can't, it breaks my own heart. And all it feels like doing is giving up, though I know I'll never will.

Who you want to hide your darkness from
so they won't let you down?

So today was a somewhat stagnated day. The only thing I got to do was going to IKEA to buy some basic items to have on my apartment, but since I didn't had that much time, I need to go back tomorrow. Today's portrait was a failure. It was so cold and raining, though you can't see the rain on the picture, and my tripod and camera where outside exposed on the wind and rain and my remote wasn't even working correctly, and I got frustrated really soon. And so I quit after 5 minutes. This is the result. I like both versions, but I guess I like the black and white better. What do you think? I have one more as a bonus.

Have a wonderful evening!